How to make a woman have an orgasm

How to make a woman have an orgasm

FeaturedStories, Musings, Sex and Relationships, SubFeature16 comments

“The wise man knows he doesn’t know. The fool doesn’t know he doesn’t know.”  – Lao Tzu

I know, most men after reading the title probably thought, “I handle MY business in the bedroom! I’m so good my girl has multiple orgasms!” Well guys, if you really think so, you may just fall in the latter group Mr. Tzu was talking about. The sad (and it’s especially sad for women) truth is that 15% of women will NEVER experience an orgasm and 50-75% of women don’t reach climax during intercourse. So the chances that you’re SO good that you can make your woman climax multiple times (if at all), or that you’ve met that elusive black swan that climaxes during intercourse are pretty slim. But, you never know…

Alright, so what do you do?

If I had a clear answer to this question, I’d be rich. I’d write book and sell it. Men would buy it for themselves and women would buy it for their men. There is no clear answer. Every woman is different and every situation is different. What works for Tina might not work for Tanya and what worked for Ana tonight, might not work for Ana tomorrow. The good news is, there does seem to be some common ‘requirements’.

Keep in mind, all women are different. And to the women that might be reading this, don’t kill me if I get it wrong. I’m always open to learning…

Comfort

image rightVery often the problem doesn’t seem to be that the woman isn’t attracted to the guy, or that the guy is absolutely inept at what he’s doing. The problem is that the woman simply isn’t totally comfortable. Her mind is caught up with all sorts of insecurities and worries. Instead of relaxing and enjoying the moment, she’s worrying if he thinks she’s gotten fat. (Don’t worry women, men worry about stuff too!) There really isn’t any single thing a guy can do to magically get her comfortable. But, at the very least, you have to try. If she likes candles, get candles, she likes her feet rubbed, rub her feet, likes when you kiss her neck, do it. Do whatever it takes to help her feel secure and at ease. Let her know you’re into her and she has nothing to worry about.

Ladies. Your man can’t read your mind. Don’t assume he KNOWS that you need to hear a reassuring word at a specific moment. Don’t assume he knows you’re worrying about whether or not he notices you’ve gained 2.35lbs. Let him know some of the things you think he can do to help you feel comfortable. Surely you want him to tell you when there’s something he’d like you to do?

Think of her as a canvas to be painted on

Click to See the Full Canvas

I’ve heard plenty of my female friends complain that their men just focus on ‘one’ area. They either don’t pay enough attention to, or ignore all the other spots that turn them on. Come on guys. I’m SURE you’ve been told before, plenty times in fact. So why are you rushing to finish the painting and forgetting about the finer details?! Why are you not using up your canvas?!

Take your time. Again, find out what she likes and do it. Remember, every woman is different so stroking the arch of her back may work for Laura, but have absolutely no effect on Lisa. Pay attention to her entire body. Most (but not all) women will tell you that they enjoy different things being done to their entire bodies. This is where it may take a little extra effort. Men, you need to pay attention to her reactions as you do different things. See what works and what doesn’t work. If you’re not sure just ask. Again there’s no point in pretending.

Women, you have a little work to do as well. Let him know what works. If he’s doing something and its not working out at the time, don’t act like it’s sending shivers up your spine. Find a way to let him know that it’s not having much effect and let him know what he should try doing next. Both of you will be MUCH happier with the results of that approach.

Sometimes you have to jump in head first!

Ok, so I know the stigma attached to ‘going down’. I was actually shocked to find out that it still exists once men have gotten into their twenties. I always figured it was limited to young boys (and lying Djs). Imagine my shock when I found out that men up to twice my age were still blurting out “Go down on a woman?! NO SAH!” Time to grow up boys. There’s very little reason why you shouldn’t be doing anything and everything to please your woman. I promise you, if you don’t, somebody else will.

So, to the guys that have never ‘gone down’ and to the guys that don’t know HOW to go down, let’s begin. First, every woman is different (see common theme here?). So it’s up to you to find out exactly HOW your woman wants you to do it. Find out if she wants you to be gentle or rough, fast or slow, lick or suck. Find out what areas specifically work and what areas don’t. As small as ‘the area’ is, believe me, down there, half an inch makes a HUGE difference in pleasure. So it’s very important that you set your ego on the table just for the next few minutes, and let her be the teacher while you be the eager student. Do this until you know exactly what to do. After a while you’ll know how fast, how hard, what area, what to grab while you’re doing it and all the other essential details you need to know to please your woman. It’ll come like second nature to you, and you’ll be surprised to see how much more eager she is to please YOU! Women, it’s your job, again, to teach the guys what to do. Don’t worry if it’s taking too long, isn’t your pleasure worth the effort? Wouldn’t you do the same?

Toys are fun!

Another misconception we (i.e. men) need to get rid of is that she shouldn’t need any toys! I should be enough”. Wrong! Get that crap out of your head! (incidentally if that image rightwere true, she could say to you, you shouldn’t need porn! I should be enough!) Sometimes, toys make the impossible possible. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with using a toy on/with your girl. I know, at first you might feel a little funny (she might too, or she might SAY she does), but believe me, after you get into it, you may find yourself liking it just as much as she does! You might realize that pleasing her with a toy and seeing how much she enjoys you using it on her is doing quite a bit more for you than you thought. So go ahead and try it. You don’t have to start with anything too outrageous, start with something simple.

An URGENT request to ladies

Ladies, please, don’t ever fake an orgasm. Faking an orgasm ultimately doesn’t benefit anyone. It doesn’t benefit you, because now you’ve convinced your man that whatever he was doing was working, and that’s all he has to do. Which in turn means, you’ll probably NEVER have a real orgasm (with him). It doesn’t benefit the man, because now he’s convinced that he’s ‘the man’ and will walk away believing an absolute lie!

The excuse that, “I do it because I don’t want to hurt his feelings” is crap. How would you feel if your man said “I didn’t tell her I cheated because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings”. Both are lies intended to ‘preserve’ the other person’s feelings. So, just be be honest with him. You may be surprised to realize his ego isn’t as fragile as you think it is. So if he asks, just tell him no you didn’t.

And guys, don’t be fooled by the porno movies, women don’t all have orgasms so loud you have to cover your ears, and they don’t all reach climax so many times you lose count. Just like the idea of having sex with 3 or more women at once, it’s just all a fantasy!

So, that’s it for now, next time, I’ll try to get into the more ‘advanced’ stuff. But for now, I’m willing to bet if you try the things I’ve outlined here, you’ll be off to a good start!

Reminder to all the women (and men I suppose). If I’ve gotten anything wrong, it’s up to you to let me know….
16 Comments
  1. Lonz says:

    Keep the blogs rolling akil! All good stuff!!

  2. Dominique says:

    You KNOW this blog is definately worth the read and the openness and honesty that was put into it is absolutely appreciated. Now if you can just get this drilled into men’s heads… the world would be a more satisfied place ;)

  3. Alice Clare says:

    I love this blog and this post is quite good. Your common theme is a good one: each woman is different. Looking forward to more posts!

  4. Patrice L. C. Williams says:

    :) It’s refreshing to read an article of this nature from a man. Open and honest and to the point, no beating around the bush or shying behind the pillow. Was worth every word … I just hope men can read this without putting up their shields and beating their macho chests in an uproar, and women hopefully will realize that teaching their men can be more fun than scary.

    • Akil says:

      Patrice, its funny, so far, every comment (and direct message I’ve gotten) has been from a woman.

      Hmmm…. maybe guys aren’t seeing it at all???

  5. Carole-Anne says:

    Akil, this post is amazing. Kudos to your honesty and such details in your post! This is a refreshing read dude! =)

  6. Divalicious says:

    What can I say Akil?!…It was a clean to the point and informative blog.
    I like the fact that though it was about pleasing a woman, you included little tid bits to us women on how to help our men please us in the way that we want…I know you said you’re still learning but with such insight and open mind I’m sure your woman is a happy one ;)
    Kudos….keep ‘em coming!!!

  7. Akil says:

    Thanks! Tried to keep it PG13…..

    I should definitely ask!!!! ;)

  8. Patrice L. C. Williams says:

    I believe they are seeing it but they refuse to jump on the “nyammins” band wagon with you, lol. I have had one male “like” the link I shared on my fb page and I do believe that is because he is not J’can. And so this points out again how BIG our men’s egos are.
    Rumpings and didlings can be proudly announced, lip action activities remain renounced!
    So I admire your admission lol!

  9. Chris Reid says:

    I had the strange notion that you were in IT, but this is great too. I was hoping it would not seem as if the men always have to be the ones researching to making sure their women is properly pleasured. You get what you give too. You’d love too get a little nibble, well give one. Don’t be like search in the dark see if u find something. Send a signal! Must admit, the first time I had crushed ice … bleep bleep bleep … by a woman, I swore all encounters after would have to involve the … bleeping …, by me. I call her crush ice Kerry.

  10. nicky says:

    Hi, i like your suggestions. I have never had an orgasm with a guy except when i masturbate. I just met a guy, he went down on me but i didnt enjoy it. We had sex and of course, i didnt come. I need help because i know if this continues, he might get frustrated and leave. What can i do?

    • Akil says:

      To be honest I’m NO expert at what you (or anyone else) should or shouldn’t do. I can tell you though that I’ve read that more often than not women have difficult orgasm because of their level of comfort. comfort with themselves and comfort with their partner. The more comfortable and relaxed the woman is the easier it is for her to reach orgasm (or so I’ve read). So my suggestion I suppose would be to not worry about it. Worrying about it probably actually puts more stress on yourself than anything else and makes the problem “worse”. So relax, enjoy it, enjoy your partner. Try new things, see what you like, what you don’t like and eventually it’ll happen. The most important thing is to just relax and be patient…. or so i THINK :)

      As for him getting frustrated and leaving…. well, let’s look at it this way, if he got frustrated and left you because of THAT, do you REALLY want to be with him in the long run??

  11. Jordan says:

    I read your blog and tried it with my ex that broke up with me three months ago last week and now I’m making her squirt three times at least every time we have sex. I don’t ask for it anymore she’s begging me for it everyday now. She.can’t even leave to go hang out with her friends without asking me to have sec with her. I’m telling you I make her squirt allot every time she’s addicted! Thank you

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